Funny one liners

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.